A different thing..

I have my ups and downs, when I’m down I write things it helps me to try and make sense of stuff. I’m fed up of seeing that someone else has lost their inner battle, and had no one to turn to, or thought they didn’t. Those thoughts are huge and all consuming.

*Deep breath*

Here are some very personal poems that I’ve written before when I’ve been in a pit of despair. They won’t please anyone, they’re not here for sympathy or similar, they’re here because they may help someone else to see that they aren’t the only one feeling this way and hopefully give a glimmer of hope that I’m still about and so will they be. They may be hard to read or make no sense to others.

If anything resonates with you please talk to someone, anyone, me.

A x

Alone

Alone inside my head
The voices scream
The world carries on
I cannot breathe
The tears form in my eyes
I fight the need
Don’t show your feelings
Don’t let them in
They’ll only think you’re a fool
They don’t really care at all
They offer up their help
But when asked run with a yelp
It’s OK to listen for a minute
After that there are no words
No hugs, no smile, no love
It’s easier to ignore it
To slink away I abhor it
If they close their eyes it goes
While my thoughts continue to flow
Ever tightening deeper spirals
Choking the light, going viral
Every second of every day
The thoughts never go away
They forget they’ve offered
Alone inside my head again
Constantly trying to out run pain
No one sees the strife I’m in
I’m an expert at keeping it in
Who wants to be reminded
That pain like this hasn’t subsided
So I walk beside myself
Alone inside my head

Selfish

I want someone to hug me
Unconditionally
I want someone to help me
Unconditionally
I’m not asking for the world
I would just like to be heard

I want someone to love me
Unconditionally
I want someone to share my life
Unconditionally
I’m not saying take the lot
But help me lessen the pot

I want someone to look at bills
Unconditionally
I want someone to care
Unconditionally
Please don’t leave it all to me
I’m dying here, can’t you see?

Alone again

I’m tired of everything
I’m not sure where to begin
The lack of self care
I don’t want to share
Brushing my teeth
Taking a shower
Both of these are out of my power
I force myself to go to work
Do the job never shirk
But I want to hide away
Never seeing the light of day
Watching the clock tick by
I’m really very shy
Putting myself out there
Day after day laid bare
Everyone can see
What they think is me
From the real me they run
Faster than a bullet from a gun
They can’t bare to hear my pain
So I’ll live with it alone again

The tears roll down my face

The tears roll down my face
Shared with no one
Hidden day after day
No way to keep them at bay

The tears roll down my face
Sorry for myself again
To others I’m a mystery
Clearly what they can see

The tears roll down my face
In bed alone no time for me
What can I say to make them see
That what they see isn’t me?

The tears roll down my face
Crying for who knows what
An overwhelming sense of despair
A need for others to care

The tears roll down my face
I need a hug
I don’t mean to bug
Don’t merely look and shrug

The tears roll down my face
Don’t walk away again
I really can’t take the pain
It leaves me with nothing left to gain

The tears roll down my face
Don’t abuse me or call me selfish
Try living in my head I can’t help it
I’ll give my life for you you see

The tears roll down my face
Every minute closer to the end
Myself alone I cannot tend
To everyone that needs me

The tears roll down my face
You’ll be better off my friend
If you leave me to my end
Your pain won’t last I’ll be the past

Buried beneath the darkness

The days and nights are filled with pain
So much trouble for little gain
No one helps to share the pain
Buried beneath the darkness

The minutes roll by like hours
I pray that I’ll find the power
To live another minute or hour
Buried beneath the darkness

The darkness closes in
Everything I’ve done or do
Crashes into my head, caving in
Buried beneath the darkness

Thoughts tumble through my head
The most persistant wishes me dead
Over and over, thoughts I cannot shed
Buried beneath the darkness

‘Friends’ ask how you are
They listen once and from afar
They never seem to ask again
Buried beneath the darkness

A smile bright upon my face
Try so hard to keep that placed
Build a wall to hide the space
Buried beneath the darkness

No one listens close enough
Who should care, I show I’m tough
No one sees the pain I’m in
Buried beneath the darkness

They say I’m cold and aloof
When I’m just living on the hoof
Clinging on to my sanity
Buried beneath the darkness

Shouting or screaming I hide
My pain is wrapped inside
Never wanting to offend
Buried beneath the darkness

The post arrives with yet more bills
The thoughts turn swiftly to the pills
All the good thoughts pushed aside
Buried beneath the darkness

Someone else asks for a favour
Of course I reply, I never waver
But inside I crumble more
Buried beneath the darkness

The bane, the black sheep
The one that family don’t want to keep
To the thought of that I weep
Buried behind the darkness

Love, that’s all I need
Water me like you would a seed
But I’m more likened to a weed
Buried beneath the darkness

See your GP they say to me
Take the pills, talk to us
But they don’t understand how it feels
Buried beneath the darkness

Again and again I seek the care
Pop the pills, pull out my hair
The counselling, the CBT, just shows what’s wrong with me
Buried beneath the darkness

The time arrives I can’t survive
No more need to stay alive
I’ll take my pain I’ve tried to hide
Buried beneath the darkness

I’m still here, I failed again
Until the next time who knows when
I’ll stay alone with my pain
Buried beneath the darkness